


Everything and Nothing

by PurpleDragonfly (LaEnchanteRose)



Category: The Morning Show (TV 2019)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, HANNAH DESERVED BETTER!, Panic Attacks, Rape Aftermath, Self-blaming, Trauma, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22938574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaEnchanteRose/pseuds/PurpleDragonfly
Summary: Hannah struggles to make sense of/cope with what happened to her in Vegas. An epilogue of sorts to episode 8- so obviously MAJOR SPOILERS if you haven't watched that far yet (in which case, what the heck are you waiting for?!)!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	Everything and Nothing

Shock, sadness, anger, hurt, betrayal, fear... These are just a few of the emotions that make up the hurricane that has been the last 48 hours of Hannah Shoenfeld’s life. And yet none of them even begin to describe the full magnitude of what she’s been through, how she feels. No words can. 

Because what she feels is...EVERYTHING. And yet, at the same time, she feels nothing. 

Oh, she had known full well that she and her coworkers were about to walk into one of the most horrific scenes imaginable. Heck, she had spent the entire plane ride to Vegas researching, gathering information, preparing herself. 

But there are some things one simply CAN’T fully prepare for- including the aftermath of the deadliest mass shooting in American history. 

Everywhere she had turned, it seemed, there was someone who had lost a parent, sibling, child, spouse, friend (or, in far too many cases, multiple loved ones and/or friends). The worst were those who had been forced to watch a friend or loved one be ruthlessly, senselessly murdered right in front of them while barely managing to escape with their own lives. 

Her grief, anger and helplessness were so overpowering that it had been all she could do just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Even now she is honestly not sure how she did it. All those people who had gone out for a fun, care-free night at a concert, never dreaming... 

She wishes she could just forget the whole thing. But she knows she never will. Nor, she knows, will she ever be able to erase what happened immediately afterward. Even as she still can’t quite believe it DID happen. She doesn’t WANT to believe it. 

He’s “America’s dad”. She’s looked up to him, idolized him for nearly as long as she can remember. Prior to joining The Morning Show crew herself, she had eagerly tuned in with the rest of the country every morning. 

It was often the one bright spot in her day during her teen years (to say that things had been hard after her mother died would be an understatement). It never failed- even if only for a few moments, Mitch Kessler (ugh, the mere thought of his name makes her taste bile!) could always cheer her up. 

At one point- she blushes and wants to gag at the thought at the same time- she'd even had a bit of a crush on the guy. 

Okay, so MAYBE it had still been there just the teensiest bit last night. But he’s nearly old enough to be her father- she wasn’t interested in him THAT way! And besides, he’s a married man. 

All she had wanted was a friend, a shoulder to lean on, comfort from someone she thought of as a trusted mentor on a night when it seemed as though the world had been turned upside down. 

And going by the paternal pep talk he had given her and his comments about feeling sad as shit, she had assumed he felt similarly. So she hadn’t thought twice when he had invited her up to his hotel room to watch one of his favorite comedies. 

Truth be told, she hadn’t really felt much like watching ANYTHING, and she had been skeptical that it would actually lift her spirits any. But he had insisted that it always worked for him and she trusted him. 

_Yeah, and just look where that got you, Hannah_ _Shoenfeld_ _! How could you have been_ _so fucking stupid?! You’re a big girl, you should have fucking known better!_

She shrinks back on the couch and squeezes her eyes shut, as if that’s going to help her escape from her own thoughts. 

And now her mind is making her relive it at all, each heinous moment flashing before her as though she’s- the bile is rising again- watching a movie. 

She sees him sliding his hand into her jeans (she shudders and instinctively crosses her legs, then winces and quickly uncrosses them. Great. Just when she’d almost managed to forget about her sore groin.). Unbuckling her belt and slipping the jeans off. Putting her on the bed. Getting on top of her... 

All while she just stands (and then lies) there, frozen like a complete and utter idiot. 

_You are dirty, you caused this, this is YOUR fault!_

The thought slams into her head like a sledgehammer. 

She could have done so much more. She could have said “NO!” She could have pushed him away, actually TRIED to get out of there (really, that two second attempt- if you can even call it that- she had made at extricating herself from his embrace was pathetic!). 

But she hadn’t done any of that. She had let it happen. She had let him use her- use her BODY- and then discard her like a dirty dishrag. 

She hates herself. She hates that she was so naïve, so weak when she is normally so strong and smart. She hates that she got a promotion, that she TOOK a promotion in exchange for...for... 

She begins to shake. Her head spins. Her skin is clammy with sweat. Her heart is pounding so hard it feels as though it’ll burst out of her chest at any moment. She feels like she is being squeezed- just as she was last night, when he wrapped his arms around her and refused to let her go. The sensation is particularly pronounced in her chest. She begins to hyper-ventilate. Her stomach roils. 

Almost before she realizes it she is up and bolting for the bathroom. She barely makes it in time. 

She retches and retches. For how long she is not certain. Time seems to have ground to a standstill. When at last she finishes giving up her offering to the porcelain goddess she collapses onto the floor, exhausted. 

She lies there for a few moments, feeling oddly detached from it all. And then her vision blurs and her cheeks become damp. She is crying, she realizes. The tears are coming from somewhere deep within and she cannot stop them. She doesn’t WANT to stop them. 

She feels hurt. She feels angry. She feels powerless. She feels dirty. She feels lost. She feels sick. She feels like her body is no longer her own. She feels like she is dead inside. 

She feels everything. And yet she feels nothing. 

**Author's Note:**

> This little ficlett is dedicated to all survivors of sexual abuse. I am truly sorry you had to go through that and I hope you find healing and peace one day. This is a very difficult topic to write about (obviously!) and it was very important to me that I do what I could to do it justice. To that end I researched and went through multiple drafts- including a mostly from memory re-write (I had jotted a few bits and pieces down the old-fashioned way and so was able to use those to help me, thank goodness!) when my computer decided to crash on me when I was about TWO PARAGRAPHS away from finishing it (ARGH!!!). So I hope the fruits of my labor managed to produce something at least halfway decent.
> 
> Now that I've gotten all that away, there's one part of the fic I feel I should give a little background on, and that's "And besides, he's a married man!" I'm operating under the assumption that Hannah was not aware of Mitch's propensity for sleeping around (let alone the WAY he did it!). It didn't seem like she had been at TMS that long at that point, so while she MAY have heard about Mitch's habit of making inappropriate jokes about women, I doubt she'd heard any of the other (at the time) gossip about him. Heck, with the way she threw herself into her job I'm guessing she wasn't aware of much of ANYTHING that went on outside the booking department (NOT a slam against her at all, by the way. Just an observation!).
> 
> And finally I need to give a shout-out to Gugu Mbatha-Raw. Stuff like Hannah went through CANNOT be easy to portray and her acting in this was absolutely PHENOMENAL!


End file.
